Write It Down

Today is Saturday, a day to sleep in and catch up on sleep lost during the week. But this morning I woke up at 6:30 am. I was a bit frustrated because I had my alarm set for 8:30 am. I kept thinking, "why am I awake? I still have two more hours to sleep!" I started having thoughts go through my head that I felt like I needed to write down. But I neglected the thoughts. They were keeping me awake, so I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and then went back to bed. These thoughts kept going through my head. I told myself I would remember them and write them down later. I kept trying to go to sleep. Well, something really profound came into my mind. I said the same thing, that I would write it down later. Well, a minute or so later I had forgotten the profound thought that had come to my head. I was mad at myself for not getting up and writing it down. So I got out of bed, grabbed my notebook, and started writing. 

Most people don't know this, but I have wanted to write a book for six months or so now, but haven't done much to start it. I have had the idea in my head, but that is all. Today when I started writing, I was flooded with inspiration of things to write. Now I am more determined to get this book done. I am so excited to see how this book unfolds. Just this morning and afternoon I have seen the hand of the Lord in this book. We will just have to wait and see where it goes. Next time I get a prompting to write something down, I will!!!

Growing Up!

Growing up can only be delayed for so long. It is such a surreal thing to me right now. I just got my student teaching license today which means I am almost a certified teacher. One semester of classes, one semester of student teaching, and off to the big, scary, real world! Not just "college student" adult world, but "real adult" adult world. 

It has been long journey getting to this point in my education and life, but it has been a wonderful journey. Though there have been many ups and downs, twists and turns, I have been strengthened and feel more confident in what I can do. I know there will still be many struggles within the journey to come. But, in the end, struggles only make you stronger! The next part of my journey is going to be intense, but I look forward to the day I begin the next leg of my journey into adulthood. 

C.S. Lewis; From Cottage to Palace

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

                           ~ C.S. Lewis

I just love this quote! It puts things into perspective for me. As I have gone through much physical and emotional pain over the past three years, I have questioned God.  I have cried in my heart,"What on earth is He up to?" I have realized that God is building me. God knows that I can be grand! But He also wants me to be useful as he is building me into something grand. So He has to build me one step at a time. If he were to demolish the little cottage all at once, then I would not be useful. He takes out one wall at a time. Adds one room at a time. It is a painful process at times, but God will replace whatever he knocks down with something better! He will add towers, and ballrooms, and huge magnificent gardens.  

Molly Mormon Died Today: Julie de Azevedo Hanks

I watched this video and thought it was pretty funny because what she says in her lyrics are SO TRUE!!! 

What unrealistic expectations do you hold yourself to?

It is time to let them go! Be the best person you can be, and don't beat yourself up for not reaching certain expectations. As long as you are being the best person you can be, that is all that matters. We are here to learn, and if we were perfect at everything we wouldn't learn anything.  

Testimony

I haven't shared my testimony for a while, and since it is Fast Sunday, I shall share it right now. I am sharing very personal experiences with you so you can better understand my testimony.  

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. I found myself questioning many things because of the trials that have been placed upon me. As many of you know, I suffer from chronic pain in my neck which causes chronic headaches. I am in pain pretty much every single day and have been for three years now. It is not fun. I have had many priesthood blessings, offered many prayers, and asked for healing many times. I have prayed for relief. But received nothing. Because of the lack of answers, I felt abandoned by God. I felt as if I had been forgotten; as if He didn't care. I felt very alone but I stayed strong for the longest time. I kept praying, going to church, and doing all the small things. Eventually I felt as if I was doing all these things for nothing. I slowly became more and more bitter towards God. I questioned His love for me. I questioned how a loving Heavenly Father could let me suffer for so long. I began to question His very existence. I had a lack of understanding that turned me away from my Savior and Heavenly Father because of the trials that had been placed in my life. I stopped praying because I felt like my prayers weren't even reaching the ceiling. I stopped reading my scriptures because I felt like I was just wasting my time. I stopped paying tithing because I felt like my money could be spent in better ways. I went to church, but was not engaged at all. I dreaded most of it. I stopped going to all three meetings every Sunday. I started to lack in many areas of my life. I was searching for happiness where happiness could not be found. I turned away from what could bring me true happiness because of the physical pain I was experiencing. As time went on I started to feel more and more lost but was also learning more about myself. As I looked inside myself, I realized that I was not happy because I was bitter towards God. I was truly bitter. It was not a good feeling at all. I was holding a grudge against someone who knows WAY MORE than I do. I was acting as if I knew what was best for me. I wanted to get back to where I was before when I had a good relationship with my Heavenly Father, but I had a grudge against Him to the point that I was questioning whether He was even there. I was questioning, even though I knew deep inside that He was there every minute. I realized that I was not happy. I decided to ask someone for help because I did not know how to get rid of the bitterness, the sorrow, and how to accept the pain and trials I was, and still am, going through. I decided to talk with a dear friend and Institute teacher, Sister Hepworth. She is someone I have looked up to since the day I met her. I knew she could help me even if it was just by listening. She has a very close relationship with our Heavenly Father. Sister Hepworth prayed for guidance for ways she could help me. I didn't give her much detail of what I was experiencing when I asked for help; but because of her prayer of guidance, she was able to say exactly what I needed to hear. She said that when she prayed, she told Heavenly Father that she didn't know what I needed, but that she knew that He knew exactly what I needed. He definitely answered that prayer and led her to exactly what I needed. This was my first tender mercy that showed me that my Heavenly Father truly was aware of me. It showed me that he wants ONLY what is best and He is there to help me every step of the way, if I will allow Him. I realized that I was miserable because of my own doing. I was not allowing Him in my life because of how bitter I was. I turned away from my Heavenly Father and because of the gift of agency I have, He couldn't force me to turn back to Him. I asked her how I could get rid of the bitterness. I told her I couldn't pray because I was too bitter. She told me to tell my Heavenly Father that I was bitter and to explain to Him why. She told me that He would listen and understand. That night, I prayed for the first time in months. It was one of the most real prayers I have ever prayed because it came from my heart. I was able to truly tell my Heavenly Father what I was feeling. After talking with Sister Hepworth and praying that night, I had a sincere desire to go to the temple. Since I hadn't payed my tithing for a couple of months I hadn't gone to the temple for a while. I went to my bishop and got everything worked out that evening. That next day I was able to go to the temple. I had a very personal experience with my Savior and Heavenly Father there! I felt so much love and joy. The bitterness that I had towards my Heavenly Father left because of the overwhelming love I felt. I KNOW that I have a very LOVING Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me as an individual. I know that He knows exactly what I need. I just need to trust that He knows what is best and to trust that He knows what he is doing. I can't see the big picture. I can only see a small piece. Through my experiences these past couple of months I have had special moments with the Savior through His Atonement! The Atonement is real and infinite. It has no limits. It is not just for cleansing us of our sins. It is so much more. Jesus Christ suffered everything for me and for you. EVERYTHING! That is a lot. He suffered for the pain I suffer through. He suffered for the bitterness I have felt for God. He suffered through the abandonment I felt as I turned my back towards God. He has suffered and felt everything I have felt and experienced, everything I am experiencing and struggling through right now, and every single thing I will struggle through in the future. He is REAL! I know this with all my heart. I KNOW THAT MY SAVIOR LOVES ME! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He would sit back and watch me suffer because of the strength He knew I would gain from my suffering. I think of how many times I have jumped in to help a child with something, when maybe it would have helped them more to have suffered a bit and learned to solve a problem through their suffering instead of having me fix their problems for them. I have learned that life is SO MUCH BETTER when I allow my Heavenly Father and Savior to be a part of it. I can handle the suffering I go through when I remember that my Savior has already suffered it for me; that he knows EXACTLY what I am experiencing, and that He can help me to endure! I don't know why I have to suffer through pain every day, but I do know that there is a purpose in all things, all suffering, and all pain. Heavenly Father has a higher purpose. I just need to trust Him and rely on Him. As I do this I will find more strength than I could ever experience alone. I am so grateful for the little bit of knowledge that I do have and for the love I have felt from my Heavenly Father and Savior because of that knowledge. If I have to suffer through pain, I cannot do it alone and I am so grateful that I get to suffer with my Savior and Heavenly Father by my side every step of the way. Life is still hard. It will always be hard. But when you have more of an Eternal perspective on life, life is much better! An Eternal Perspective on life helps you to endure the most painful and difficult experiences. Life is hard, but with the Gospel, the Atonement, the Savior, and our Heavenly Father; it is all worth it!

Bestie!

Do you have anyone in your life you know will be around forever? Someone you can be yourself around, act stupid, be crazy, and not have to worry? Someone you can talk to about anything and have a non judgmental listening ear? Someone who you can plan to spend one hour with and end up spending all night together? Someone you admire and look up to?

I definitely do!! I have my Beautiful Brianna Jean Call!!! She is one of the happiest, kind, crazy, fun, caring, and loving person I know. And those are only a few of her amazing attributes that I admire. I am so lucky to have her as a part of my life from the day I was born! We are cousins, but truly soul sisters! I am pretty sure in the pre-existence we promised each other we would stick together and help each other through this life. She has definitely helped me get this far and I know she will help me from now on! I love this girl and truly feel so grateful that we could come to earth together!

Do What is Right!

Have you ever done something that you wish had never happened? Something that caused you to freak out inside because you didn't know what to do about it? Something that you thought if you pretended it didn't happen no one would know? 

I just had this happen to me last week. When I was in my work car I had a little fender bender. Not in my car, but my work car. I didn't notice the damage it had done until later because I just wanted to run, which is exactly what I did. No one saw what had happened so I decided to run. I didn't think a scratch was that big of a deal. Anyways, when I got to the location I was going I went to open the back door and it wouldn't open, because of the fender bender. I felt SO STUPID!!! My thoughts were going crazy.  "How could I have let this happen?" "What if I get fired!?!?" "What if I have to pay for it from my own pocket of nothing?" I called my manager and told her that the back door wouldn't open and that there was a dent in it. I told her I didn't know what had happened and that I had just noticed it. (which was obviously a lie). She told me she would look at it the next day and get it fixed. When she looked at it she called me to see what had happened. I told her that I didn't know. I was avoiding the situation. She believed me and I thought, "Yes! I am out of it! She believed me and no one get's in trouble!" I was happy, but then when I got to work and started driving the car I started to feel really uneasy. As I was driving a line from a general conference talk popped into my head. It was from Robert C. Gay's talk "What Shall a Man Give in Exchange for His Soul?" The line that popped into my head was, "Would you sell your soul for a nickel?" It was then that I thought, "Crap! I am selling my soul for a stupid fender bender. I know what I need to do. I need to tell the truth. That is all! Just tell the truth!" I was in the car for another hour contemplating how I would "confess" to my mistake and accident after I had already lied about it. I thought, "Man, it would have been so much better to have just told the truth from the start. I just make things worse by lying. But I still need to tell the truth."

When I got back to the office my manager had left for the day so I decided to send her an e-mail. I couldn't handle the feeling of guilt I had inside of me for the whole weekend. This is what I said in my email (the blanks signify names of people):

____________,

You were gone by the time I got back which is why I wrote this. As I was driving with _______ back to the office I was pondering about the car and remembered something that I thought insignificant that could be the significant. I remember that yesterday after I got _______ into the car to bring her to my moms house I left the back door open so she wouldn’t get too hot and then I went in and got ______so I could take him with me as well. Once I got _______in the car I was distracted by _______talking to me, and then _______ came out  and talked to me as well. I had shut all the doors but forgot to shut ________ door, the back door. For some reason my brain was somewhere else. When I went to back out I think the door got stuck on something. I only went an inch or so before noticing her door wasn’t shut. I got out and shut it but didn’t notice any damage. I wonder if that was the cause. So when I went to open the door at my house later is when I made it worse. I’m wondering if when the door got stuck if it shifted it just a smidge and then when I went to open it it was stuck over the front door resulting in it getting dented as I tried to open it.. Sorry I didn’t remember this earlier. I didn’t see it as being significant and my brain has been other places lately. Now I feel horrible thinking that it was probably my fault and for not remembering sooner when the door got stuck. Let me know what I can/should do.

Thanks,

Ashleigh

So, after I sent the email I felt a little bit better. But I still hadn't told the full truth. I had told more of it than before, but still not 100%. I knew that after sending this email my manager would want to talk to me on Monday. Today. When I woke up this morning I prayed that I would be able to tell the whole truth and that my manager would be understanding. I prayed that I would be able to accept whatever was to happen to me. I prayed for strength to do the right thing. 

When I went into work my manager was talking to someone else so I had to wait a half hour to talk to her. That was one of the longest half hours of my life. Anyways, We talked, I told her everything, and it all turned out just fine. I put aside my worries and did what I knew I had to do to not feel guilty anymore. I still have my job, I can still drive the car, and she was grateful that I came to her and told her everything. After leaving her office all I wanted to do was cry because of how grateful I was for the answer to my prayer for strength to do the right thing and to still have my job. I was so worried about losing my job. (But I always expect the worst to happen to me as consequences). I was also grateful for the understanding of my manager, for understanding that fender benders happen, and that it wasn't something I intentionally did. Now I don't have the guilt of lying hanging over my head. I was able to feel the power of the Atonement in my life which I am so grateful for. The Atonement doesn't just cover our sins, but it gives us strength to do what is right. The Atonement is real! I was reminded of this today.