Thursday, September 4, 2008

Grandma is moving on. :(

Grandma is in her last days now. . . I have been pondering about death for a long time now. I guess in the worlds eye it's not a happy thing for someone to die because it usually means the end, but in heaven's eye it is a wonderful thing. It is good for her I guess.
We visited her today which pretty much consisted of sitting next to her holding her hand, keeping her comfortable , giving her water, and making sure she was doing all right. We occasionally talked to her but she was pretty much asleep all the time. When she was not asleep, she was staring at the ceiling with a glassy look in her eyes. When she would stare she stared in the same exact spot. We were curious about what or who she was seeing. She really only responds to yes or no questions so we asked her if she was seeing Grandpa Jim. She nodded yes. We then realized that she literally is halfway in this world and halfway in the spirit world speaking with her loved ones which have passed away before her. She is slowly preparing to leave us on this earth and reunite with those in the next life.
This has been such a sad thing to me for a long time even up to earlier today. I knew I would see her again and that death isn't the end, but I didn't realize that we are not the only ones that who want to see her. What about her husband, parents, siblings, cousins, and other good friends who have passed away? How long has it been since they last saw her? They are anticipating the day or hour when they will finally meet with her again.
I guess dying is kinda like going on a long trip or a mission. When you leave your family to go on the mission it is like leaving the pre-mortal life and coming to this earth. When you are done with your mission, it is as if you are done on this earth, or you physically die. When you get off a mission there are so many people at "home" like family waiting for you to return, but the people you met and impacted on your mission want you to stay, but know that you have to leave. They are sad you have to leave even though they have the knowledge that leaving is what's best. Just like on this earth, when people die or get closer to death, we want so bad for them to stay, but there are people waiting for them to come "home" who miss them just as much as we will. When we are through with our mission on this earth, our loved ones who have died will be waiting to embrace us as we come "home."
I know that I will definitely miss my Grandma Joy, but she will be waiting for me when it is my turn to return home.
I am now at somewhat of a peace about this whole death thing because I have now gained more of an understanding of it. When I was sitting at Darcy and Vikki's house with my grandma, I started reading the booklet from what the hospis gives the family to help them better understand the death process. I wrote a couple things down which have helped me be more at peace about this.
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with eachother.
Then someone at my side says: "There, She is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, She is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "here she comes!"
And that is dying
--Henry Van Dyke--
I don't know why this is so comforting to me, but I think it is because it has put it into perspective for me. I definitely love my grandma and definitely cannot promise I will not cry, but I think I will be crying happy tears for her.