Testimony

I haven't shared my testimony for a while, and since it is Fast Sunday, I shall share it right now. I am sharing very personal experiences with you so you can better understand my testimony.  

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. I found myself questioning many things because of the trials that have been placed upon me. As many of you know, I suffer from chronic pain in my neck which causes chronic headaches. I am in pain pretty much every single day and have been for three years now. It is not fun. I have had many priesthood blessings, offered many prayers, and asked for healing many times. I have prayed for relief. But received nothing. Because of the lack of answers, I felt abandoned by God. I felt as if I had been forgotten; as if He didn't care. I felt very alone but I stayed strong for the longest time. I kept praying, going to church, and doing all the small things. Eventually I felt as if I was doing all these things for nothing. I slowly became more and more bitter towards God. I questioned His love for me. I questioned how a loving Heavenly Father could let me suffer for so long. I began to question His very existence. I had a lack of understanding that turned me away from my Savior and Heavenly Father because of the trials that had been placed in my life. I stopped praying because I felt like my prayers weren't even reaching the ceiling. I stopped reading my scriptures because I felt like I was just wasting my time. I stopped paying tithing because I felt like my money could be spent in better ways. I went to church, but was not engaged at all. I dreaded most of it. I stopped going to all three meetings every Sunday. I started to lack in many areas of my life. I was searching for happiness where happiness could not be found. I turned away from what could bring me true happiness because of the physical pain I was experiencing. As time went on I started to feel more and more lost but was also learning more about myself. As I looked inside myself, I realized that I was not happy because I was bitter towards God. I was truly bitter. It was not a good feeling at all. I was holding a grudge against someone who knows WAY MORE than I do. I was acting as if I knew what was best for me. I wanted to get back to where I was before when I had a good relationship with my Heavenly Father, but I had a grudge against Him to the point that I was questioning whether He was even there. I was questioning, even though I knew deep inside that He was there every minute. I realized that I was not happy. I decided to ask someone for help because I did not know how to get rid of the bitterness, the sorrow, and how to accept the pain and trials I was, and still am, going through. I decided to talk with a dear friend and Institute teacher, Sister Hepworth. She is someone I have looked up to since the day I met her. I knew she could help me even if it was just by listening. She has a very close relationship with our Heavenly Father. Sister Hepworth prayed for guidance for ways she could help me. I didn't give her much detail of what I was experiencing when I asked for help; but because of her prayer of guidance, she was able to say exactly what I needed to hear. She said that when she prayed, she told Heavenly Father that she didn't know what I needed, but that she knew that He knew exactly what I needed. He definitely answered that prayer and led her to exactly what I needed. This was my first tender mercy that showed me that my Heavenly Father truly was aware of me. It showed me that he wants ONLY what is best and He is there to help me every step of the way, if I will allow Him. I realized that I was miserable because of my own doing. I was not allowing Him in my life because of how bitter I was. I turned away from my Heavenly Father and because of the gift of agency I have, He couldn't force me to turn back to Him. I asked her how I could get rid of the bitterness. I told her I couldn't pray because I was too bitter. She told me to tell my Heavenly Father that I was bitter and to explain to Him why. She told me that He would listen and understand. That night, I prayed for the first time in months. It was one of the most real prayers I have ever prayed because it came from my heart. I was able to truly tell my Heavenly Father what I was feeling. After talking with Sister Hepworth and praying that night, I had a sincere desire to go to the temple. Since I hadn't payed my tithing for a couple of months I hadn't gone to the temple for a while. I went to my bishop and got everything worked out that evening. That next day I was able to go to the temple. I had a very personal experience with my Savior and Heavenly Father there! I felt so much love and joy. The bitterness that I had towards my Heavenly Father left because of the overwhelming love I felt. I KNOW that I have a very LOVING Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me as an individual. I know that He knows exactly what I need. I just need to trust that He knows what is best and to trust that He knows what he is doing. I can't see the big picture. I can only see a small piece. Through my experiences these past couple of months I have had special moments with the Savior through His Atonement! The Atonement is real and infinite. It has no limits. It is not just for cleansing us of our sins. It is so much more. Jesus Christ suffered everything for me and for you. EVERYTHING! That is a lot. He suffered for the pain I suffer through. He suffered for the bitterness I have felt for God. He suffered through the abandonment I felt as I turned my back towards God. He has suffered and felt everything I have felt and experienced, everything I am experiencing and struggling through right now, and every single thing I will struggle through in the future. He is REAL! I know this with all my heart. I KNOW THAT MY SAVIOR LOVES ME! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He would sit back and watch me suffer because of the strength He knew I would gain from my suffering. I think of how many times I have jumped in to help a child with something, when maybe it would have helped them more to have suffered a bit and learned to solve a problem through their suffering instead of having me fix their problems for them. I have learned that life is SO MUCH BETTER when I allow my Heavenly Father and Savior to be a part of it. I can handle the suffering I go through when I remember that my Savior has already suffered it for me; that he knows EXACTLY what I am experiencing, and that He can help me to endure! I don't know why I have to suffer through pain every day, but I do know that there is a purpose in all things, all suffering, and all pain. Heavenly Father has a higher purpose. I just need to trust Him and rely on Him. As I do this I will find more strength than I could ever experience alone. I am so grateful for the little bit of knowledge that I do have and for the love I have felt from my Heavenly Father and Savior because of that knowledge. If I have to suffer through pain, I cannot do it alone and I am so grateful that I get to suffer with my Savior and Heavenly Father by my side every step of the way. Life is still hard. It will always be hard. But when you have more of an Eternal perspective on life, life is much better! An Eternal Perspective on life helps you to endure the most painful and difficult experiences. Life is hard, but with the Gospel, the Atonement, the Savior, and our Heavenly Father; it is all worth it!