I've been in a negative place for the past couple of months, but have slowly been pulled out of the negativeness by someone more powerful than me. My Heavenly Father and my Savior. It just shows me how much they love me when they send little tender mercies my way to help me change my negative perspective.
I have been in a lot of pain for quite some time now. Mostly physical pain, but the physical pain has also caused emotional and spiritual pain. It is hard to be in pain every day and not start to question if God really does love me. My physical pain has caused me to question even the very existence of God. It has caused me to question how a loving Heavenly Father could watch me suffer every day of my life and not do anything about it. How someone all powerful couldn't step in and just ease the suffering just a bit. It caused me to ask the question why me? Why so much pain? Why no answers? Why, why, why? I was so frustrated I became bitter with God. I was bitter that He wouldn't give me a simple answer. No answer of even the cause of my physical pain. I was frustrated that I had so many limitations and nothing I could do about them. I have been completely helpless. It has been quite frustrating many days.
As I have been slowly moving towards more despair, pushing God aside, questioning his very existence, I have had many tiny tender mercies happen that have slowly brought me out of despair without me even noticing. As I now look at the tender mercies in my life, I see that God truly is aware of me and wants to help me. He knows me and knows what I need. He knows what I can handle and will help me conquer anything thrown my way if I let him.
Evidences that God is aware of me:
God has put specific people in my life to help me along the journey.
Heavenly Father has placed Brianna Jean Call in my life from the day I was born. We were born 6 days apart but have not been apart much at all. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life! I know we are family, but we are more than family! I KNOW we were with each other in the pre-existence and I am sure we promised to help each other get through the arduous journey of life. I don't know if I have been much help to her, but she has definitely kept me going! She has one of the most positive outlooks on life despite difficulties that come into her life. She knows who she is and she knows where she is going. I am so lucky to have her as my bestest friend, cousin, and soul sister!!!
A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with some doctrine in the church because of all the questioning I was doing. I was so grateful when a friends mom text me and invited me to dinner. We talked and eventually I was able to tell her all of my struggles and concerns.I had missed a couple of weeks of church and didn't plan on going the coming Sunday. She said I could go with her to her ward if I wanted. I kind of shrugged it off and then felt a push to ask if I really could go with her. Of course she said yes. So I went to church. It was just a normal day at church, nothing exciting. After church she invited me to their house for dinner. I went to their house and talked with her husband while they were preparing dinner. We talked about many things that was wrestling with. He was able to help ease my mind. This family has been a MAJOR blessing in my life. More than they could ever imagine.
I have a great friend, Connie. She has also helped me SO MUCH. Just the other day I was really struggling. It was late at night, and I had no one to talk to. So I sent Connie a facebook message saying: Question? If God is all knowing, all powerful, and all loving... then why does he allow us to suffer so much... especially with no answers...(the pain I am going through with no answers) She replied with the perfect answer for me. She said: Because there must be opposition in ALL things. I think he hates to see us suffer and wishes we didn't have to. Sometimes we do things that make us or someone else suffer, but there are also times we don't do anything to cause our own suffering. Can you imagine how much Heavenly Father suffered when He watched His son die? He didn't get out of it. He suffered the most pain of all. The last statement made me think the most. It changed my perspective. Yes, I am suffering, but Christ suffered more than anyone will ever suffer because of his love for everyone. His love for me. God watched him suffer and did not step in.
God knows what He is doing with me. He knows what I need to suffer through to mold me into the person He knows I can become. He knows my potential. I don't. Why would he step in to stop my suffering when He knows the type of person the suffering will cause me to become. He is the refiner holding me in the refiner's fire. He didn't just throw me into the fire. He is holding me in the fire, watching me and making sure I don't get damaged. He can see the impurities and knows exactly how long I need to be in the fire. I just need to trust him and remember that he is holding me and watching me every second. He WILL NOT fail me.
Heavenly Father knows I love his creations. I love being outdoors and stopping to smell the roses. Last week my car had a gas leak so I took it to get fixed. I had to walk home. On my walk there were beautiful gardens full of all sorts of flowers and plants. There were magnificent rose bushes that had the sweetest smell I had ever smelled! Despite the negativeness of my car needing a repair, I was able to enjoy the beauty of Gods creations. I was able to stop and smell the roses.
These are just a few tender mercies in my life. As I recognize and focus on the tender mercies in my life, I still suffer with pain, but I also live in BEAUTY and recognize more MERCY in my life. Having pain allows for more mercy to be manifest in my life. If I didn't have pain and darkness in my life I wouldn't be able to recognize and appreciate the LIGHT and STRENGTH I can have through my Journey through life.
Life is an arduous journey, but there is beauty all around
STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES!!!
....Or the flowers :)
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